6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
