you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
