Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
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