You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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