Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
