You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
