My liver just broke up with me...
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
