if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
