Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I AM VODKA MAN
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
