I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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