I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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