i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
