So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
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