You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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