weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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