just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Vodka?
Forever.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
