It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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