whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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