ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Can I color on your dick again?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
