Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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