all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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