I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
