Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
