Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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