i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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