I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
