the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize