am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
