Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
