is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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