So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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