i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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