Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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