His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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