I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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