Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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