I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
