I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
