I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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