Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
