dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
