two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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