he puts the penis in happiness.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
