nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
