Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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