so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
