1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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