you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize