Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
