Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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