3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
