dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize