took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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