I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
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