Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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