do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
