pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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