Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
no, he came in my armpit
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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