I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
