i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
